HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE MONSTERS

The episode starts with something running through Wharton State Forest in New Jersey. A couple of glampers are “roughing it” in a tent with their cherry wood, four poster bed and widescreen TV. (Do people really do this kind of glamorous camping? I’m appalled! I thought we were living it up when we bought blow-up mattresses to sleep on in our tent and our entertainment involves playing Skip-bo by lantern light while we eat Smores cooked over the fire.) Before you know it, a snoozing Mr. Glamper is hung upside down in a tree, wrapped tight like a burrito in his sleeping bag, while a mystery monster munches on him.

The Winchesters and Bobby find themselves another hell hole to hide in. The lack of amenities and being forced to stay so far off the grid they don’t even have the luxury of hot food or showers is really getting to Dean. After stopping the world’s end, twice, he wonders if they shouldn’t just let it finally bite the dust.

“Stop wrestling with the big picture, son, you’re going to hurt your head. “ – Bobby to Dean

The Jersey Devil is making headlines in the area due to a rash of strange deaths. It is Jersey, after all. Anything inexplicable has often been attributed to the urban creature which is described as human-like with bat wings and sometimes a tail or horse head.

“I took a look at the cadaver, what’s left of it, not a happy camper.” – Bobby

The boys interview Ranger Rick at Biggersons, a local restaurant. The warden seems stoned and completely unconcerned that his assistant might be missing. After being no help whatsoever, Rick leaves and Bobby joins the boys for dinner. A testy waiter named Brandon delivers food to “Big Bird, Ken Doll and Creepy Uncle” before mouthing off to his boss and storming out. An unperturbed Dean gleefully inhales a Pepperjack Turdunken Slammer.

“You don’t shoot Bambi, jackass. You shoot Bambi’s mother.” – Bobby

The trio of hunters head out into the woods where the brothers are impressed with Bobby’s survivalist skills. They find what remains of Rick’s assistant and call the ranger in. The dude’s unfazed that his partner’s dead. Just as Rick’s radioing in the crime, Bobby hears a noise. Quicker than you could scream “watch out!” an unseen force yanks Rick off his feet and hauls him up into the trees. All three guys train their rifles upward, but the night lamps don’t show a thing. Bobby instructs them to go dark. He closes his eyes, carefully listens, then takes a blind shot and—blam!—knocks it out of the tree. It appears to be a man with glaucoma fogged eyes and a cannibal’s appetite, not a Jersey Devil. (I'm intrigued, but kinda bummed.) The boys haul the corpse back to their cabin where he suddenly springs up in a rage. They riddle him with bullets and he finally dies. A crude, not to mention grody, autopsy by Bobby and Sam reveals a lot of gelatinous goo, a mongo adrenal gland (which explains his brute strength), bit and pieces of Rick, a pine cone and a—hork!—cat’s head. (Poor kitty.) While the two surgeons look green around the gills, Dean seems strangely uninterested and even more ravenous than usual. Not good, methinks.

“I think you pissed off my sandwhich.” – Dean

They go back to Biggersons because Dean is craving another Slammer. As he moans in ecstasy over his sandwich, Bobby and Sam start to look around the diner and notice the other patrons are equally enamored with their turducken. Much to Dean’s horror, they take away his meal. At home it erupts into purple snot. Yack! It’s the same goo that was in the dead body.

“If I wasn’t so chilled out right now, I’d puke.” – Dean

The guys stalk a Biggersons’ meat delivery truck. Dean’s passed out in a tryptophan coma in the back seat so Sam asks Bobby if he’s concerned about him. Bobby says the boys spend so much time worrying about each other that neither one of them is living.

Meanwhile, Biggersons bitchy Brandon (say that ten times fast) attacks a girl, but someone stops him before he’s able to chow down. Turns out it’s Edgar the Leviathan. What better way to create widespread chaos then through food?

“The world’s a suicide case, we save it, it just steals more pills.” – Bobby

Sleep and coffee have cleared Dean’s head. (But he’s so cute and goofy when he’s stoned) While Sam scouts the area, Bobby takes Dean to task for his shitty attitude. He says Dean’s talking like a hunter who’s about to die. Dean says he’s talking like someone who’s had it and can’t figure out why he once thought any of this mattered. Point blank, Bobby says he needs to find a reason to get his head back in the game because if Dean dies first Bobby will kill him. (Awww.)

THE RISE OF DICK (best TV news subtitle ev-er)

Dick shows up at the warehouse and everyone’s atwitter waiting for his arrival. The boys do some research and find he’s one of the Top 35 businessmen in America. A corporate shark billionaire Leviathan. Awesome.

He asks our trusty doc Leviathan about the failed subjects in their experiment. You know, the one’s with hyper-adrenalized cannibalism. Dick is pissed that these failed test subjects have made the news. His number 1, golden rule, is that “there are no monsters.” To punish doctor demented, and to set an example for his other employees, Dick “bibs” him, which means he’s got to open that razor-sharp maw and consume himself, leaving all the black goo on a bib. Niiice!

More spying gets Bobby nabbed. He figures his chance of being rescued is slim since Sam and Dean don’t have back-up and don’t know how to kill these big bads. Fortunately for Mr. Singer, a cleaning truck pulls up to the warehouse. The Winchesters hijack their cleaning supplies and bust through the front door spraying Leviathans as they go. The toothy monsters burn up, which at least slows them down. Dick goes to see what the commotion is. Bobby reads the files on his desk and blanches at something he see there, then he nabs a second gun Dick left behind. He shoots Dick’s assistant and heads into the fray. Between soap and shots the brothers manage to escape with Bobby slowly pulling up the rear. Why’s he hesitating? Bobby never hesitates.

Finally he runs out the door and heads for the side van door. Dick chases after him and shoots. Shit, shit, shit. Is Bobby hit? The boys are talking to him as they speed off, but he’s not answering. Sam starts to pass him back his ball cap, but notices a bullet hole in it. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The preview for Death's Door, the winter finale next week, shows Bobby in the hospital and things do NOT look good.

Okay, this has been my worst fear. If Sera kills Bobby I may have to hunt her down. I love that old coot and he better make it through this. It’s bad enough we lost Cass, but I understand it with us going back to the type of Season 1 stories we’ve been doing. But DO NOT kill Bobby. He has to continue being their surrogate father and he has to get together with Sheriff Jodi. Period. Other than my general freakedoutness over the ending of this episode I enjoyed it. Bobby had some of the best lines and stoned Dean was a hoot. What did you think and do you think Bobby will pull through or is this just one more thing the writers are going to take away from the boys to make them ill at ease and defenseless against the Leviathans?