Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Road So Far (in 1,000 words or less)

I'm posting this for Tanya, whose computer just didn't want to play nice with her.

Okay, so this post owes its inspiration to stuff like this (warning, MAJOR spoilers for the movie Serenity, and major funny if you've already seen it). But still, here we are floating in the still dead waters of summer hiatus, so I thought we could all use the recap (and, possibly, the laugh).

Sam and Dean Winchester (this far) in 1,000 words or less:

Interior, somewhat creepy nursery, enter Mommy Winchester.

Mom: WTF?

Baby Sam: Waaahhhh!

Late arrival Daddy Winchester: DEAN! Take care of your brother.

Flash to present day.

Sam: I hear a noise.

Dean: I came for a beer, LOVE the Smurfs, BTW. Come help me solve our father's disappearance.

Sam: Dude.

Conversation, Exposition, Woman in White with Creepy Kids, cut back to Jessica on the ceiling, and Grown Up Sam having a full-circle WTF moment?

Sam: Consider me back in the game til we find Dad and this yellow-eyed bastard.

Many episodes later, find Daddy Winchester. And fabled Colt. YAY!
All three Winchester men run off road. BOO!
Cut to hospital with Dean and Reaper and Daddy Winchester making deal with Yellow-Eyed Demon.

Daddy W's final words (more or less): DEAN! Take care of your brother.
Even if that means "take care of" in the mafia sense.

Dean (internal monologue): WTF?

Moving right along in season 2.

Dean: Do not mock me, airplanes crash.

Sam: And apparently clowns KILL. Hey, should we check out that roadhouse?

Dean: Uh, Sam? Could use a little help here with the pint-sized blonde.

Pint-sized blonde (aka Jo Harvelle): Take me with you! I want to hunt!

Dean: Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the-

Sam: WTF?

Dean: Never mind. Have you met my new buddy Gordon?

Sam: Nice to m-

Gordon (with much menace and foreshadowing): Evil things must DIE!

Dean (considerably later): Sam, are you drunk? (followed by, even later than that) He full on Obi-waned me!

Sam: Something is wrong with that boy. He is like-like me. Curse you, yellow-eyed demon and your nefarious yet still vague evil plans!

Yellow Eyed Demon: Call me Azazel. And as for my 'plan,' it's simple. You and my other "special" children are in a contest. Good luck with that.

Jake: Aw HELL no. I like ya Sam, but not enough to die for you. Take this!

Sam: Gurghk.

Dean: Yo, crossroads demon! Get me out of this. I'll trade anything to get my bro back.

Crossroads demon: Anything? You're on, foolish Winchester.

Sam: So let me get this straight, you traded your life-your SOUL-to save me?

Dean: Yep. No need to thank me.

Sam: Thank you? Are you deluded you arrogant SOB? We have to end this deal.

Dean: No can do. I try anything funny, you die.

Mysterious blonde chick with mysterious knife: Hey! I can help! Name's Ruby by the way.

Other mysterious chick with quasi-British accent: And I'm Bela. I shall be here to demonstrate what happens to naughty boys and girls when they ransom their souls to Lilith. I am also here to entertain Tanya.

Dean and Sam: Who the hell is Tanya? Strike that. The better question is Who the hell is Lilith?

Dean (in quiet aside to Ruby): Dude, can you really get me out of this?

Ruby: Um, no. Not really. Plus, you'll become a demon after.

Dean: Well, THAT sucks. I need pie.

Sam: You're in denial, bro.

Dean: I deny that accusation.

Sam: So what you-- hold up. What's that you say? We just got a phone call about Bobby being in a coma?

Bobby: Thanks boys for saving me from the mystical coma. Except, you let Bela steal the Colt, ya ijits!!!

Dean: Bela must die!

Sam: 'K

Dean: So if we're so hot on the heels of Bela (mmmm, Bela...) what are we doing in this random mystery sp-- Gurghk.

Sam: DEAN!

Dean: Don't you just love Asia? Let's go get break-- Gurghk.

Sam: DEAN!

Dean: What do you mean I died yesterday? That's cr-- Gurghk.

Sam: DEAN!

Also Sam: Whoa, I'm onto you Trickster.

Trickster (smugly): And it only took 80% of the episode for you to figure it out...

Audience: So what happens for rest of episode?

Dean: Gurghk.

Sam: My name is Sam Winchester! You killed my brother! Prepare to die!

Trickster: Dude. This co-dependence? Not healthy.

Bela: Dean, Sam? Aaaaa! Hell-hounds.

Ruby (wearily): I told you this was going to get bad.

Dean: Gurghk.

Collective audience: WTF?

Dean: Dude! I'm back-from hell! How the hell did that happen? (if you'll pardon the pun)

Winged man: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Castiel. An angel. Your butt belongs to us, now.

Uriel: That is so, monkey.

Dean and Sam: We don't like you.

Uriel: We don't care.

Random Chick: Lilith is up to her old dirty tricks! Only now, she isn't just gunning for Sam and terrorizing grandfathers. She's breaking all sixty-six seals in an attempt to free Lucifer. Also, I am not random! I am an angel!

Dean: So, come here often?

Ruby: Sam, quick, while everyone else is distracted by subplot, drink some more demon blood.

Dean: Dude! WTF?

Sam: You are not the boss of me.

Entire viewing audience: Argh! We hate when our boys are on the outs.

Dean: Then don't look, it's about to get worse. Sam, if you walk out of here right now-

Sam: Who do you think you are, DAD?

Dean: Castiel? A little help here?

Cass: I really shouldn't, but okay. Who can resist Jensen Ackles?

Mmm, Jensen Ackles. Sorry.

Sam: I've stopped Lilith!

Ruby: And freed our dark lord-bwahahahahahahaha.

Sam: ...Oops.

Dean: FWIW, I still love you. Now haul ass away from the impending evil and maybe we'll figure out how to save our asses by next September's premiere.


MJFredrick said...

Is BRILL! Great job, Tanya. I'm still wiping tears of laughter from my eyes ;)

Victoria said...

That was absolutely fantastic!! Loved it! :)

Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO! Totally awesome. I <3 u, Tanya.

Anonymous said...

Thanks guys :-) It's sort of cheating though to be funny and make myself sound good when the source material is already well-written and often hilarious! I'm jonseing for next season...

Natalie J. Damschroder said...

Ab Fab, and I am in awe. :)


Norah Wilson said...

Don't you love Asia? Snort. Loved that episode. Great job, Tanya.

Trish Milburn said...

Oops, I thought I'd already responded to this, but I think that was because I posted it for Tanya. Anyway, love it! I was sitting here laughing out loud as I was putting it into Blogger.