99 Problems starts off fast and furious with Sam and Dean in a high speed race. Sam is hurt, the boys are outnumbered by pursuing demons and they’ve just reached a dead end. Cue the calvary. Or in this case, the Sacrament Lutheran Militia. Armed with a tank of holy water and a fire hose, the group saves the Winchesters.
“I hate to tell you, but those are demons and this is the apocalypse. So buckle up!” SLM member
Sam and Dean are shocked to find this small town in the know. The church serves as their base, the pistol packing preacher as their leader and they’ve got twelve-year-olds packing salt rounds.
“I don’t know whether to run screaming or buy a condom.” - Dean
Even more shocking…the preacher’s daughter, Lea, is a prophet. She’s the one telling the town how to protect themselves. The boys leave a message for Castiel and decide to stick around to see what they can learn, despite Dean sounding like he’s given up. They join a group of hunters and experience what it’s like to work with a team. Unfortunately, Dillon, a likeable young teen, is killed under Sam and Dean’s watch and his mother blames them.
At his funeral Lea has a vision. She announces that Dillon will return from the dead. He’ll be resurrected on Judgment Day. Everyone in the town will be reunited with their departed loved ones and they’ll enjoy paradise on Earth. The angels have chosen them. All they have to do is follow their commandments.
“No drinking, no gambling, no premarital sex. Dean, they basically just outlawed 90% of your personality.” - Sam
Dean goes to see Lea. He’s so desperate to find some hope, to find something to renew his faith. She assures him they’re about to face a prize fight, but they will emerge victorious and well rewarded.
Meanwhile, Sam goes to the town pub where he and Paul, the bartender, bond over their rebellion. An annoyed Sam later returns to the hotel room venting about being trapped in a fundamentalist compound. Dean could care less. Again, he hints that he’s ready to give up. Sam tells him he can’t do that. He can’t count on anyone else and he can’t do it alone.
Dean breaks curfew and heads out to clear his head. He finds the bartender being attacked by the townies because of Lea’s new vision. According to her, they won’t be rewarded with paradise if they don’t take care of the sinners. Dean tries to save Paul, but Dillon’s despondent mother shoots him, not wanting anything to ruin her chance at reuniting with her son.
“I found a liquor store and I drank it.” - Castiel
Castiel finally pops in, very drunk and depressed. He informs them Lea is NOT a prophet, but a whore. She rises when Lucifer walks the Earth and bears false prophecy. She can read minds and take human form, but her main purpose is to turn the townies on each other and condemn as many souls to hell as possible. The only way to kill her it to have a servant of Heaven stab her with a stake made from a cypress tree in Babylon. The boys persuade the preacher to stab the thing that looks like his daughter.
When they get to the church they find Lea has stuffed a storage room with “sinners”, including children, and intends to torch them with kerosene. Her dad tries to stab her and she convinces her followers he’s a demon. Fighting ensues. Lea attacks Dean and taunts him, calling him pathetic, self-hating and faithless. Dean grabs the stake and stabs her. It shouldn’t work…but it does. The demon smokes out and her minions realize they’ve made a terrible mistake.
“Are you going to do something stupid? Like Michael stupid.” – Sam
Cas and the preacher are hurt. Dean and Sam take them to the hotel where Sam senses that something has shifted in Dean. He tries to get his big brother to stay, but Dean takes off. He shows up on his old girlfriend’s doorstep. He tells Lisa (The Kids are Alright and Dream a Little Dream of Me) he knows how things are going to end for him and he’s okay with that, but he wants her to know when he thinks about being happy he imagines himself with her and her son. Then he tells her things are going to get scary soon, but she shouldn’t worry because he’s going to make arrangements to keep her and Ben safe. He’s going to do what he needs to, but under his conditions. Lisa tries desperately to get him to explain, to stay, but Dean tearfully kisses her goodbye and leaves to meet his fate.
Damn…he is going to do something Michael stupid. Did Dean break your heart as much as he did mine?